Transman who drove a Trans Am

Okay, this is a really funny story. I am going to have to change names, places and the dates, but this is a true story and happened to really good girlfriend of mine. I guess the reason I am writing it is because you just never really know the person lying next to you. Here goes.

A while back, my friend, (we’ll call her Muffy Von Tease), a redhead with freckles, met this great guy, we’ll call Peter Ticklestick. He was tall and really sculpted, blonde hair, blue eyes, a surfer and lived in a gorgeous slammin’ house in a very posh beachfront town in the North East. His sister was an educated school teacher and artist who made all-natural cosmetics on the side which ended up turning into a huge national product. You probably use the stuff because it’s sold everywhere… His parents were lovely, hailed from Greenwich, Connecticutt and served lunch with china and linen napkins. I love all those little touches, don’t you? My friend really liked this guy and his family and friends really liked her. They began a relationship and they were inseparable. They boated together, travelled around and went to listen to music, as he also played guitar in a band. He was a super-genius and knew everything about everything, he was mechanically inclined and even had a few patents pending. They really were a cute couple and had a lot of fun together. She confessed to me the sex was off the charts. Nuff said…

They dated for about a year and a half when one day, after work she popped over as was customary. She brought an overnight bag and a little Chinese food to snack on for them both. Well, he lost his marbles. Apparently, the smell of Chinese food made him violently ill. She was taken totally unawares and had never seen this side of him nor knew of his abhorrence for Asian cuisine. He bitched and griped and cursed about the Chinese food so bad that Muffy began to cry. After the argument she stormed out and they never spoke again. Until 2 years later….

A newspaper article had posted some political unrest in a local beachfront community and there on the front page was his picture and his words quoted in the article about how he was attempting to save some pristine beachfront land from erosion due to such heavy volumes of people traffic. So after reading the article, she looked him up just to say hi. They spoke on the phone and made arrangements to meet to see each other, patch up the past differences and maybe even attempt a reconcilliation or something.

When she arrived at his place she phoned him to say she was at the gate and needed him to open them for her to enter the driveway that curved around to his home. He said okay but would she mind waiting just a bit, he was in the middle of something…

An hour later, the gate opened. Obviously angered at being made to wait and also extremely curious as to what he could have been doing, she approached and entered the house with much trepidation. Oddly, she noticed his eyes were smudged and very blackened and it looked to her like when she would fall asleep with mascara on. Then she recalled he had played in a band some years prior, so perhaps he had had a gig and never removed some of the stage makeup she thought. (Keep in mind it was an 80’s Glam band).

They spoke for quite some time enjoying one anothers company and then out of the blue he asked her if she ever wanted to have sex with another woman. (A guy I dated asked the same thing over dinner in Miami about 2 years ago). Totally shocked at this remark she emphatically said, “NO!” And then shyly asked, “Why?” At that point he said, “I will be right back” and came out 15 minutes later wearing a pink tube top, a black pencil skirt, stiletto heals and a blonde wig and said, “I can be that woman right now if you want”….

Now, not for nothing it makes youreally  wonder what insane stuff people hide about themselves. She had no idea he ever had any homosexual tendencies, in fact quite the opposite. Peter Ticklestick was a mans man. The only weird thing about him was that he hated Chinese food and it would send him into a ballistic fury. Obviously she stormed out for a second and final time. But I like to change the ending by adding one of my favorite lines from the creepiest movie ever, Silence of the Lambs.  “It puts the lotion on its skin”….”NOW PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!!!” Thanks Bill for all the sleepless nights terrified about being turned into a human lampshade by a guy in a blonde wig and pink lipgloss.


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