Mr. Andro Pause

Has anyone every heard of this ailment? Male menopause? I saw it recently on a commercial and it really made me wonder. I mean, do men get hot flashes or suffer from emotional highs and lows? Do they burst into tears at the slightest provocation? I never heard of anything like this  when I was growing up. But I think I’ve got it figured out. Male menopause is when a mans sexual prowess,  his virility, begins to subside as he ages. This is called andro pause and if you haven’t met him yet ladies, let me introduce you to Mr. Andro Pause.

Mr. Andro Pause is in his late fifties or older. Generally he has a receding hairline but this is not always the case. He may have hair plugs or wear the dreaded hairpiece.  He likes women because he’s seen it all.  He is a father and a grandfather. He has slowed in some of his more youthful exploits like playing sports or all nighters with the boys. He doesn’t feel like the man he used to be and is in search of a fountain of youth to revive his masculine urges. He sees a doctor complaining of his sad state of affairs. His muscles are not as strong. He doesn’t have a cut frame like a 25 year old. His member simply hangs in solitude and even he doesn’t want to look at it let alone his wife. The doctor prescribes a cocktail of Viagra, Extenze, Cialis, HGH and instructs him to join a gym, take a yoga class, play golf, go on a cruise and to get a young girlfriend. He’ll feel better in not time at all.

When you meet Mr. Andro Pause he is as cocky and arrogant as an elephant in musk. He might be 62 but dammit, he’s going to get a 26 year old girlfriend. It doesn’t dawn on him how foolish he looks in True Religion jeans with an Ed Hardy tee shirt on. His ball cap backwards. He’s going to that Justin Beiber concert and no one is going to stop him. His daughter is ashamed and her 17 year old daughter is aghast.

If this man approaches you, either run or be honored. You’re either 20 years old, in which case he’ll bore you to death or his denture breath will kill you or you’re lookin’ great at 58. He’s  downloaded the latest apps on I-phone and listens to Flo-Rida and Rhianna.  He has his mothers sagging breasts and he usually falls asleep during the 6 o’clock evening news, so he can rest up for South Beach and party till 11 of course…Woot! Woot! 

For all the poor women looking to meet a nice man their own age, this is a new animal emerging on the market.  He likes plastic surgery so sometimes he’s hard to spot.  He gets manicures and pedicures. He might be able to go all night in bed, but would anyone want to be physically present for that? Other than him? His bum sags but he swears he played tight end in college football. He shops at Abercrombie & Fitch and reads Maxim magazine. He’s bragadocious and blatantly flaunts his new found make believe youth in night clubs when he should be at home feeding the cat.

You know, these doctors should be shot. Injecting older men like this with false hope and promises. What happened to aging gracefully?  I know the new 30 is 20 and the new 40 is 30. But give me a break. Since when did the new 65 become 35? My father certainly never would have behaved in such a degrading manner. Did you know that seniors and geriatrics have the highest incidences of sexually transmitted diseases? It’s running rampant in the nursing homes. These men are absolutely obsessed with youth and in all fairness to the planet, someone needs to stop the insanity. Did you see all the commercials that Dennis Hopper used to do? I started thinking he was actually younger than me. He had so much vigor. He was so happy and he was always going on an adventure someplace cool.  Then I remembered, oh yeah, he’s the guy in that movie about motorcycles. Easy Rider. He was 30. I was 1. You know why he died? Cuz he was old. Poor guy.

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